94 Funny Quotes That Will Make You LOL

funny quotes lol

A List of Humorous Quotes about Life

Sometimes we have to see the funny side of life so as to keep going. With many humorous sayings in the world, we have collected some funny quotes about life from a wide range of celebrities, thinkers and famous writers. The following are the list of funny quotes about life:

1. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” – George Carlin

2. “If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?” – Albert Einstein

3 “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres

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4. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite

5. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”

Winston S Churchill

6. “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Jerry Seinfeld

7 “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti

8. “What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield

9. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers

10 “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carey

11. “Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard

12. “You know what I like most about people? Pets.” – Jarod Kintz

13. “Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” – Laurell K. Hamilton

14 “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford

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15. “I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

16. “I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”

Douglas Adams

17. “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” – Winston S Churchill

18. “Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.” – William Goldman

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19. “Ugly truths are the biggest source of indigestion in humans.” – Raheel Farooq

20. “Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.” – Jack Handey

21. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller

22. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx

23. “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” – Robert A Heinlein

24. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett

25. “Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”

Charles Bukowski

26. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin

27. “Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.” – Markus Herz

28. “Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.” – Thomas Stephen Szasz

29. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” – W C Fields

30. “I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.” – Woody Allen

31. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” – Albert Einstein

quotes funny

32. “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”

Steven Wright

33. “I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx

34. “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.”

Mark Twain

35. “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” – Yogi Berra 

36. “There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

37. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley

38. “Luck is what you have left over after you give 100 percent.” – Langston Coleman

39. “Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” – Kyle Chandler

40. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Schulz

41. “I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin

42. “Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats.” – Voltaire

43. “When I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”

Sydney Harris

44. “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.”

Joe Girard

45. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.”

Robert Bloch

46. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese

47. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”  – Oscar Wilde

 48. “When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best – that is inspiration.”

Robert Bresson

49. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.”  – Dave Barry

50. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A.A. Milne

51. “It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” – Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes

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52. “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” – Mae West

53. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison

54. “You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” – Jack London

55. “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go.” – Dr. Seuss

56. “Life is like a sewer – what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer

57. “Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.” – Isaac Asimov

58. “Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote

59. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing; that’s why we recommend it daily.”

Zig Ziglar

60. “If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.”

Marie Osmond

61. “I have a simple philosophy: Fill what is empty. Empty what is full. Scratch where it itches.”

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

62. “Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.”

Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

63. “You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.”

Sam Levenson

64. “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.”

Franklin P. Jones

65. “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

– Woody Allen 

66. “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”

– Comedian Adam Gropman

67. “We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.” – Paula Poundstone

68. “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” – Margaret Mead

69. “Practice makes perfect but then nobody is perfect so what’s the point of practicing?”

70. “No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” – Abraham Lincoln

71. “If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.”

72. “I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect.’”

73. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” Jim Carrey

74. “Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?”

75. “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.” Jerry Seinfeld

76. “General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?”

– Jay Leno

77. “Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol (Josh Hara)

78. “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” – Reba McEntire

79. “The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” – Gore Vidal

80. “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” – Winston Churchill

81. “The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.”

– Businessman Stanley Randall

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82. “A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.” Winston Churchill

83. “Some people just have a way with words and other people … oh … not have way.” Steve Martin

84. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” Steve Martin

85. “They say “don’t try this at home” so I’m coming over to your house to try it.”

86. “If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z – keeping your mouth shut.” – Albert Einstein

87. “At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?”

– Zach Galifianakis

88. “As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.”

89. “There’s no “I” in denial.” – Peter Serafinowicz

90. “If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?” – Jon Stewart

91. “There are only three things women needs in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock

92. “Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.”

93. “Don’t know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they’ll show up quickly.”

94. “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow! What a Ride!’„ – Hunter S. Thompson

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