94 Funny Quotes That Will Make You LOL
A List of Humorous Quotes about Life
Sometimes we have to see the funny side of life so as to keep going. With many humorous sayings in the world, we have collected some funny quotes about life from a wide range of celebrities, thinkers and famous writers. The following are the list of funny quotes about life:
1. “The planet is fine. The people are fucked.” – George Carlin
2. “If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?” – Albert Einstein
3 “Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.” – Ellen DeGeneres
4. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.” – Cathy Guisewite
5. “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
– Winston S Churchill
6. “If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Jerry Seinfeld
7 “If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.” – Lawrence Ferlinghetti
8. “What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” – Rodney Dangerfield
9. “Never miss a good chance to shut up.” – Will Rogers
10 “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” – Jim Carey
11. “Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.” – Elbert Hubbard
12. “You know what I like most about people? Pets.” – Jarod Kintz
13. “Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.” – Laurell K. Hamilton
14 “A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often.” – Oliver Herford
15. “I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde
16. “I love deadlines, I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.”
– Douglas Adams
17. “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” – Winston S Churchill
18. “Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.” – William Goldman
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19. “Ugly truths are the biggest source of indigestion in humans.” – Raheel Farooq
20. “Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.” – Jack Handey
21. “Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.” – Phyllis Diller
22. “Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx
23. “Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” – Robert A Heinlein
24. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett
25. “Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.”
– Charles Bukowski
26. “The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.” – George Carlin
27. “Be careful about reading health books. Some fine day you’ll die of a misprint.” – Markus Herz
28. “Two wrongs don’t make a right, but they make a good excuse.” – Thomas Stephen Szasz
29. “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” – W C Fields
30. “I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.” – Woody Allen
31. “Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” – Albert Einstein
32. “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.”
– Steven Wright
33. “I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” – Groucho Marx
34. “All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.”
– Mark Twain
35. “If you don’t know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.” – Yogi Berra
36. “There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
37. “It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn’t give it up because by then I was too famous.” – Robert Benchley
38. “Luck is what you have left over after you give 100 percent.” – Langston Coleman
39. “Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.” – Kyle Chandler
40. “Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.” – Charles Schulz
41. “I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” – Benjamin Franklin
42. “Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget tossing in the lifeboats.” – Voltaire
43. “When I hear somebody sigh, Life is hard, I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’”
– Sydney Harris
44. “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.”
– Joe Girard
45. “Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.”
– Robert Bloch
46. “If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
47. “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde
48. “When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best – that is inspiration.”
– Robert Bresson
49. “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” – Dave Barry
50. “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A.A. Milne
51. “It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” – Eugene Ionesco Decouvertes
52. “Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.” – Mae West
53. “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
54. “You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.” – Jack London
55. “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who’ll decide where to go.” – Dr. Seuss
56. “Life is like a sewer – what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.” – Tom Lehrer
57. “Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.” – Isaac Asimov
58. “Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote
59. “People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing; that’s why we recommend it daily.”
– Zig Ziglar
60. “If you’re going to be able to look back on something and laugh about it, you might as well laugh about it now.”
– Marie Osmond
61. “I have a simple philosophy: Fill what is empty. Empty what is full. Scratch where it itches.”
– Alice Roosevelt Longworth
62. “Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.”
– Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach
63. “You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.”
– Sam Levenson
64. “Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.”
– Franklin P. Jones
65. “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”
– Woody Allen
66. “Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”
– Comedian Adam Gropman
67. “We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it On Anon Anon.” – Paula Poundstone
68. “Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” – Margaret Mead
69. “Practice makes perfect but then nobody is perfect so what’s the point of practicing?”
70. “No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.” – Abraham Lincoln
71. “If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.”
72. “I changed my password everywhere to ‘incorrect.’ That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, ‘Your password is incorrect.’”
73. “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” Jim Carrey
74. “Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?”
75. “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.” Jerry Seinfeld
76. “General Mills is coming out with an organic Twinkie. Isn’t that called a sponge?”
– Jay Leno
77. “Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” —Alcohol (Josh Hara)
78. “To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.” – Reba McEntire
79. “The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.” – Gore Vidal
80. “I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.” – Winston Churchill
81. “The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.”
– Businessman Stanley Randall
82. “A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.” Winston Churchill
83. “Some people just have a way with words and other people … oh … not have way.” Steve Martin
84. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” Steve Martin
85. “They say “don’t try this at home” so I’m coming over to your house to try it.”
86. “If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z – keeping your mouth shut.” – Albert Einstein
87. “At what age do you think it’s appropriate to tell a highway it’s adopted?”
– Zach Galifianakis
88. “As your best friend I’ll always pick you up when you fall, after I finish laughing.”
89. “There’s no “I” in denial.” – Peter Serafinowicz
90. “If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?” – Jon Stewart
91. “There are only three things women needs in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock
92. “Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.”
93. “Don’t know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they’ll show up quickly.”
94. “Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming ‘Wow! What a Ride!’„ – Hunter S. Thompson
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