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Quotes From: Comedians

Bill Cosby

“Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.” – Bill Cosby Born July 12, 1937


 Jerry Seinfeld

“If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?” – Jerry Seinfeld, Born April 29, 1954


George Carlin

“The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.” – George Carlin, Born May 12, 1937


George Carlin

“That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.” – George Carlin, Born May 12, 1937


George Carlin

“Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” – George Carlin, Born May 12, 1937


George Carlin

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.” – George Carlin, Born May 12, 1937


George Carlin

“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.” – George Carlin, Born May 12, 1937


Garrison Keillor

“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.” – Garrison Keillor, August 7, 1942


Dave Chappelle

“The world can’t tell you who you are. You’ve just got to figure out who you are and be there, for better or worse.” – Dave Chappelle Born August 24, 1973


Dave Chappelle

“The only way you can know where the line is, is if you cross it.” – Dave Chappelle, Born: August 24, 1973


Dave Chappelle

“The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.” – Dave Chappelle, Born: August 24, 1973


Dave Chappelle

“The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.” – Dave Chappelle, Born: August 24, 1973


Dave Chappelle

“No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone… you answer it.” – Dave Chappelle, Born: August 24, 1973


Dave Chappelle

“I’m cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.” – Dave Chappelle, Born: August 24, 1973


Bill Cosby

“The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now.” – Bill Cosby, Born: July 12, 1937


Bill Cosby

“A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it’s the stupid ones who need advice.” – Bill Cosby, Born: July 12, 1937


Carol Burnett

“Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.” – Carol Burnett, Born April 26, 1933


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